Love Languages

I've recently read a couple of the "Five Love Languages" books, both the original version intended mostly for marriage relationships, and the singles editions (which I just scrambled to finish because it's due at the library tomorrow.) I'm kinda a nerd in the fact that if something interests me, I want to learn everything I can about it. So yes, I read both books and actually just checked out "The Five Love Languages of Teenagers." As I said, I'm a nerd.

I thought the author presented a very interesting perspective on love and relationships, and I could personally relate to the material.  The singles edition is interesting because it explains the effect of these languages in every relationship people encounter, including those with roommates, boyfriends, girlfriends, parents, friends, children, siblings, coworkers, etc.

I've found that my primary love language is that of quality time. And I want to know what your language is (maybe I can better speak it). So, if you don't know your language, take this quiz and then leave a comment! Please? 

Throughout both books that I've read, the author, Gary Chapman, regular uses the metaphor of ones' "love tank." Essentially, this comes from a quote about a misbehaving child.

“Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally, but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty ‘love tank.’”

He applies this to every person. So when we are feeling loved (through our love language/s), we are able to participate in healthy relationships and reciprocate that love back to those around us.

There are 5 main "languages," although some can have different dialects, if you will. (Find out your love language in this short online quiz.)

1. Words of Affirmation
         a. Words of Encouragement
         b. Words of Praise
         c. Kind Words
2. Quality Time
        a. Quality Conversation
        b. Quality Listening
        c. Quality Activities
3. Receiving Gifts
        a. Gift of Self 
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

I definitely found it interesting to analyze what language I feel love in and what language I express love in...because, yes, they can be different.  Although I think I most show love in acts of service, I'm not 100% sure. I do know, however, that my primary love language is quality time. An excerpt from that section:

"The central desire of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity. Two people sitting in the same room are certainly in close proximity, but they are not necessarily together. Togetherness has to do with focused attention. It is giving someone your undivided attention. As humans, we have a fundamental desire to connect with others. We may be in the presence of people all day long, but we do not always feel connected"

I NEED that quality time to feel close to someone. Although someone can feel the benefit of all languages, most often they need to feel loved in their primary language before love expressed in other languages even matters. For me, for example, if someone kept telling me nice things about me or started giving me gifts without first forming a foundation based on quality time, those things would likely feel out of place. I'd think it's weird or unnecessary based on how I perceive our relationship. However, if I already felt love through quality time, that love would then be enhanced as I received those words of affirmation or gifts.

I also liked the explanation about quality conversation, because that is something I often find myself craving. I've learned that this is also very important to me, especially in helping me feel close to someone or to be willing and comfortable opening up.

"By quality conversation, I mean sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context....it means I will focus on drawing you out by listening sympathetically to what you have to say. I will ask questions, not in a badgering manner but with genuine intentions to understand your thoughts, feelings, and desires. If I invest thirty minutes in such a conversation with you, I have given you thirty minutes of my life. Quality conversation communicates that I care. This is especially true if your primary love language is quality time."

I have a lot more thoughts about things from these books, but I'm closing this post as it is already way too long. :) But here is the main principle I get from the theory of love languages: 

"What makes one person feel loves and appreciated doesn't necessarily make another person feel appreciation."

And that is why we need to be aware of what "speaks" to us and what "speaks" to the people in our lives.

So how 'bout it? Willing to share your love language?