Searching the crowd

It's really been interesting being home because honestly this is the longest I have been here since I graduated from high school. The weirdest thing about it is that I'm here physically in the place where I was 4 years ago but everything is so so different. It's kinda crazy actually and I really do constantly think about the "way things used to be". I was thinking about this today in terms of people and I'll see if today's experience can be adequately explained. 

Today I had a little bit of a reunion with a friend we shall deem Guy #1. Now this friend and I go a a ways back and we are "good" friends but in my mind I don't really think of him as a good, great friend whom I'm really close to. When I saw him today, I was really excited and it was fun to catch up a bit. We were in a couple social situations together and kinda stuck together through them, you know, as though we really were the best of friends throughout most of what was going on. There were a couple moments today where we were in what I will lightly refer to as crowds where I had to look for him over the heads of several others and found the Yay factor when I finally spotted him. These moments slightly humorously, at least for me, reminded me of a situation years ago where the same thing happened at one of the ever so popular stake dances while I was in high school. It was a slow dance, maybe the last one of the evening or something,  and I was scanning the crowd. But instead of looking for Guy #1, I was actually avoiding him. I had heard that he wanted to dance with me for this dance but I, somewhat secretly, wanted to dance with Guy #2. So as I casually scanned the crowd and caught a glimpse of Guy #1, I turned in the other direction in hopes of letting Guy #2 find me first. The stark contrast to what was happening today, as compared to what happened who knows how many years ago, made me think a little further into the situation. 

Today, I personally could never see myself being interested in this Guy #1 but I do think that at some point during our knowing one another some sort of interest was there....yes, I do think we held hands at some point, of course, in the casual hmm I don't know what I think, high school kind of way. I think I would also be accurate to say that this same Guy #1 would probably not be interested in me at this point either. But thinking back to when we first met I do know that that interest was there for a while. And what brings about the change? 

Now bringing Guy #2 into the picture...Guy #2 I would honestly say ended up being quite the better friend of mine. Quite. But when I first met him, I don't think there was anything at all. In fact, I had met him but don't think I really knew who he was for some time after the initial introductions. During this time, I was still good friends with Guy #1. But somehow that changed. As today reflects, Guy #1 melted back to become an old, good friend whom I see now and then. However, Guy #2 became more and more a part of my life and probably become my best friend at the time. 

I'm trying to figure out where this is going, and I think the point is illustrating the circle around which these things have come. Today, and truly to my personal remorse, I have pretty much lost that friendship with Guy #2. As much as I want to restore it, I just don't know if it's even possible or if there is any point to try.... He is the one I would probably choose to be spending time with and talking to. Guy #2 was the one I was searching for at that dance, but today I ended up with the one I was avoiding ;) Somehow Guy #1 who started out as the better friend, became the good friend, the good old friend, and now today, the guy I was looking for in the crowd. And Guy #2 who started out as probably more of an acquaintance (oh course, this is all based on my memory which has been known to not quite correctly recall these details), became the guy I was looking for in the crowd, eventually the better, even best friend, and has now faded.... 

The most interesting thing is that I hold very different opinions of each guy..even though they have at some point held similar roles to me.  These opinions obviously are the result of spending lots of time with each of these people; they likely reflect memories I've had with them, as well as my most honest feelings towards them. And while each guy's path was in no way identical, today I found it interesting to think about their roles in my life....all based on the experience of searching them out in a crowd.