sometimes

Quote of the Day:

Susie: oo no idotlatly goet

Karianne: totally forgot?

Susie is known for not having the best typing skills...or at least not caring about typing correctly. I admit, I'm following her example more and more. Especially when I'm chatting at work and feel guilty putting tons of effort into it and correcting errors that mostly come from the darn keyboard where the space bar and a couple other buttons keep sticking!! Anyways...this exchange happened today and I must say I was pretty impressed with myself for knowing Susie well enough to correctly interpret her meaning.

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I have a couple blog post drafts that I haven't gotten around to publishing. So I imagine a couple will be way past relevant but I will probably still put them up in the next couple days...just a warning.

This is gonna be my most random post in a while.

Sometimes life just gets the best of me. Things are going good and all of the sudden I just break down. It's hard to explain how this happens because there's not usually a warning or any particular reason that pulls me away from a somewhat-positive outlook. But it's in these moments that I feel weak and vulnerable. It's in these moments where I don't feel adequate, where I wish I could be stronger, I wish I could be different. It's hard to embrace because most of the time I truly am positive and happy about life. But then I let my faults take over. I see weakness and let it take control. I blame myself and these weaknesses for the things going wrong, for the things I can't do and the things I can't accomplish.

One explanation is that I get frustrated of who I am and the bounds of my comfort zone that I want to burst through. I see what I want to be but also see the hurdles and opposition in my way. I wish things were different, I wish I could change, I wish that I could just overcome the boundaries that hold me back from who I really want to be.

At FHE tonight, the lesson giver shared this quote. I don't think it matches my thoughts at all but was a nice reminder that it really is only myself who is holding me back...still, I wish I could break free.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness which frightens us. "

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Sometimes I hate feeling like I have to defend or stand up for my life, to make it seem worthwhile to those around me. To feel like I have to convince people that I'm happy and content. Or when they are dying to break through my exterior attitude to find what they are sure is underneath. I hate feeling that people are judging me because maybe the things that are currently making me happy aren't things they personally care about. Or that the things that make them happy aren't as prominent in my life. Does that make sense at all? Maybe I'm too sensitive. Oh, I also hate worrying about saying something that maybe is not so positive...because sometimes people think you are breaking down and your whole life is crumbling because of that one expression of negativity. We all have moments of weakness don't we? That doesn't mean we dwell on them.

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Sometimes I hate the idea of making new friends. Again this probably turns back to the breaking out of comfort zones thing but these days I've found that I can be so comfortable continuing to deepen relationships between old friends...while I can struggle to reach out to new ones. Sometimes it's hard, at least for me. Some people don't seem to have that problem. Some people can completely let loose and truly be who they are after only first meeting people. I'm discovering my own shyness more and more. I've always been quiet...at least when people first know me. But I've always interpreted that to be, well I'm quiet but I'm not shy...meaning that I'm not uncomfortable in situations but simply don't always want to release the loud part of me just yet. But these days, I think the shyness factor is contributing more and more. And sometimes people don't care to learn more.

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Sometimes I disappoint myself when I'm more into something or more exciting about things that the others around me. I start to think that for some reason I have to care more than they do. I have to put more effort because more is at stake for me.

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ugh, this has been surprisingly a downer of a post. Sorry about that. It really wasn't planned like that. Lol, maybe tomorrow I'll post more positively...although I actually have a few of those saved ones to put up.

Songs of the Hour: Debra Arlyn, Fine and Let it Go
(I love this singer!)